


Heimlich Seducer

by phansparent (lestershoweller)



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Crack, Humor, M/M, Smut, Vomit Mention, accidental non-consensual grinding, anxiety mention
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-12
Updated: 2015-11-12
Packaged: 2018-05-01 05:55:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 887
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5194676
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lestershoweller/pseuds/phansparent
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"You laughed in a restaurant but you have an ugly laugh and I thought you were choking, so I spent the last three minutes awkwardly humping you while performing the Heimlich maneuver” AU.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Heimlich Seducer

He really should never have been a doctor. He was too nervous to be a doctor. His pen was always shaking when he tried to write notes on his clipboard. Whenever he suspected a patient might have a serious disorder, he felt like he was going to throw up. And he suspected a patient had a serious disorder nearly every day, because he was always worrying. A patient could come in for a stubbed toe, and he’d think they had flesh-eating bacteria. Yes, Dan Howell never should have been a doctor, but that’s what he was.

It’s Tuesday afternoon, and that means that Dan goes to Jessica’s Café for lunch. He very rarely breaks his routine, and whenever he has to he’ll usually stop by the café the night before to pick up something for himself to eat the following day. He’s not sure what he’s worried will happen if he doesn’t eat at Jessica’s every Tuesday, but he’s been following his routine so long and never questions it.

He likes Jessica’s Café because it’s quiet, and nothing ever disrupts his thinking as he sorts through notes in handwriting only he can understand, which is good because it’d be a severe break in confidentiality if anyone were to find them and be able to read them. But today something is weird because there’s this strange sound on the other side of the café, a sort of deep grunt, like someone’s air supply is being cut off.

He jumps up suddenly from his chair shouting, “I’m a doctor!” He runs in the direction of the choking noise, realizing that it’s coming from a rather fit black haired man eating spaghetti and meatballs. “Are you choking on those balls!?” Dan gasps.

The man stares strangely at him, standing up. Dan wraps his arms around the man’s torso, beneath his ribcage, and he’s embarrassed when he thinks about how muscular the man’s abdomen is, rock hard against his clasped hands. Everything about this man is enticing though. Dan notices the way his arms can barely fit around him, thanks to the man’s broad shoulders.

But he has to remain professional. He’d learned the Heimlich Manuver on practically his first day of medical training, so it is ingrained in his head, no gorgeous man capable of inhibiting him from doing his job. He begins to thrust his clasped hands into the man’s diaphragm, causing his hips to thrust simultaneously into the man. The man’s bum is a healthy size, and Dan starts to sweat, realizing he likes the way it feels rubbing against his crotch.

Dan is getting more nervous because the man isn’t making any noise anymore, so he pushes his fists harder into the man’s abdomen. His head is buried in the crook of the man’s neck, and he can smell his cologne, which is a pleasing mix of pine and freshly folded laundry. It’s turning him on, and he can feel his dick poking against the fabric of his scrubs. He curses the fact that he hadn’t had any clean underwear left this morning before coming into work. He knows the fabric will darken where his precum smears over it.

But he has to forget about the hard problem in his trousers because he’s saving this man’s life. Each thrust of his hands is a thrust of his cock into the man’s arse, creating friction he hasn’t felt from anything but his hand in months. When you’re a doctor, there’s not much time for sexual endeavors.

The thin scrubs don’t hide much, and he feels as if he might as well be completely nude the way his cock is sticking outwards. He pulls his body backwards and then thrusts his hands into the man hard, his body moving forward. The tip of his cock juts right where the man’s hole is, and suddenly the man makes a noise, a soft moan.

The sound sets Dan off, and he feels a familiar warmth in his stomach, and then in his trousers as he shoots off into them. He should be embarrassed but it’s like fireworks erupting inside him.

The lodged food must have released itself from the man’s throat, so Dan releases his body, grabbing a menu off the table and holding it in front of his now damp crotch.

The man turns around and looks at Dan, and he’s even more gorgeous than Dan realized, with his eyes the color of the sky on a cloudless day. The man smirks and holds out a hand. “I’m Phil,” he says with a smirk.

“Dan.” He reaches out his hand to shake Phil’s, keeping his other on the menu to hide the fact that he’d just come himself for the first time since he was maybe fifteen. 

Phil takes a pen out of his briefcase that is sitting beside his chair. He uses it to write his phone number on Dan’s hand. “Maybe I’ll see you again sometime,” he says with a wink.

Dan grins. “Maybe.” His face blushes red, and he thinks maybe all of his Tuesday afternoons as Jessica’s were all building up to this moment, waiting to save Phil’s life.

It’s about two dates in that Dan realizes that the grunting choke sound he’d heard from across the café was nothing more than Phil’s rather ugly laugh. 


End file.
